Zara's funeral was today. they buried her in town cemetery, and overall it was pretty quiet. the Padparaschi's were there and Father Martin took the funeral, but if i'm being honest i don't really remember anything he said. maybe that's horrible to say. during the funeral me Cathy and Rivka hung out, but it was pretty quiet and mostly just crying, and then afterwards everyone started leaving pretty quickly. i thought people stayed at funerals longer, but maybe that's just in movies.

anyway nothing more has come of the investigation. Rainer said i have to stop asking him, and that he told me all he knows, and i feel bad for annoying him but they have to be doing SOMETHING and he hasn't given me anything. i feel bad though, i think he's not really sure what to do with me. i understand why he's worried too, which is why i agreed to stop asking him about police stuff because i don't want to stress him out more anyway, but i don't think he'd understand if i told him that i'm managing myself fine. he said i should stay home tonight after the funeral, but i convinced him to let me go to the library for a little bit.

but back on topic, nothing new has come from the autopsy and if it has, it's not available to the public. i don't think they should bury her until the have answers?? but maybe they didn't want to leave it longer out of respect for the dead, which i get, but really? i just worry now that because she's been buried the investigation will stop, like burying her put a close on the case. i'm really worried that's what it means, and i didn't do all that digging for nothing. it's all just weird, just really really weird. like Zara's not "the dead" to me, she's my friend? so part of me wants justice and part of me wants her to rest, but at the same time can she rest if it was foul play and no one does anything about it? and then again, can she rest at all anymore since she's dead? i just sort of can't think about, like literally there's a gap between Zara and her. Like what if she was maybe still out there, and they buried someone else? or maybe in the car crash she just got comatose? it just doesn't feel like something that can happen. it makes my stomach hurt to think about, but anyway. i've been rambling a lot, which isn't good for documenting criminal happenings so i'm sorry. what i was saying is that i'm pretty sure the investigation stops from here, since i don't know where else it would go now that they no longer have a corpse, and honestly between me and you i don't think they care that much. maybe i'm just being spoilt, IDK, but it feels like they're haven't cared that much this whole time. or if they care, they're not doing anything about it. it's alright though, i got ahead of the game before we even found her body with all my writing and with my string board. i looked at it for a while when i got home, and added some things. it needs updating, i still haven't taken off some of the stuff that points to her being alive, but leaving it there is only going to hinder my investigation and it's been a couple of days now. i might just take them off the board and put them aside or something.

so anyway. this post has gone on too long, i just sort of sat down and started writing i guess. the library is nice and quiet, it's a good place to think. so yeah, i just wanted to make this post to update about the funeral, and what's happening with the investigation. i'll keep writing as i go, i'm still detirmined that somebody will find out what happened to my friend.

rest in peace Zara, we miss you.

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we're taking the bikes out tomorrow. it's all that i can think about, so i'm already prepared to go. i've packed a backpack with a water bottle, pocketknife, a couple flashlights, and lots of batteries. IDK what else i'll need, but i'm just sort of preparing as i think of things. tomorrow at 11pm i'm going to bike over to the Norwoods to meet Cathy, before the two of us head to Rivka's. from there we'll head to the woods to search, starting at the spot where Zara's car crashed. they've removed the car, but i have a map that i've marked with the location. it was on my pin board, but i've stuffed it into my bag for tomorrow.

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i finally went back to school again, at the insistence of Rainer. he usually doesn't care what i do, but i think i've been kind of worrying him. either that or he's tired of me raiding the pantry during the day. all the thinking makes me hungry, but we can't really afford lots of groceries so i've just been eating the stuff that's going off so that there's still lots of good food when Rainer gets home. i can't tell him though, he gets mad when i eat bad food. which is fair i guess, but honestly it doesn't taste that bad. i like the apple cores, and apprently the seeds are poisonous but like… only in large amounts. so i'm pacing myself.

anyway i got a little off topic, the point is that i went back to school yesterday, and saw Cathy again. it was a little awkward, but it was also really nice to see her again. it made me feel a little more like i exist, rather than a brain drifting around a tank. well, eventually the topic came up, and we talks for a while. i told her what i've been up to, and she was surprisingly attentive. it was nice. eventually i told her i want to go search the woods by Zara's car. if she was dead surely her body would be out there, so maybe she's just lost. it's very possible. the cops have seemingly pretty confidently ruled that she crashed her car and then was dragged off by animals or something, but i told Cathy if that was true then we'd find what was left of her. she seemed a little uneasy about it, and honestly typing it now the thought sort of makes me want to throw up, but i KNOW that's not what happened. just seriously, i know it can't be. i know Zara is out there, and she's probably just lost in the woods.

well anyway, Cathy said she would come with me to look, so long story short we're taking the bikes out there this friday. we're gonna head out after dark so that our parents don't notice anything, and not only are we heading to the woods but we're going to stop by Rivka's on the way. maybe she won't answer us, but we agreed that it would be good to try anyway.

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i borrowed some of Rainer's string today. he's never around anymore anyway, so he won't notice i'm sure. i've watched him make these corkboards with pushpins and string for his investigations, and i thought i'd try. i need a visual way to look at all my thoughts, because i think if i just stare at it long enough i'll be able to figure it out. i'm at the library now, writing this up and getting some books and stuf that might help my investigation. there's some old storage archives in the library too that i'm considering raiding for old newspapers and whatnot. IDK, maybe.

i ran into mr Norwood a couple minutes ago too (not literally), but i didn't say anything to him. i think he saw me too, but he didn't say anything. i don't think this whole thing if helping his opinion of me, and honestly i think it's probably adding to his opinion that i'm a bad influence on Cathy. which is dumb, because i haven't even seen her in ages, so… kind of stupid. but whatever, mr Norwood is quite literally the LEAST of my worries right now. anyway i wanted to make a quick post while i was at the library, but now it's time to go get my books.

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it's been a while since i made a blog post sorry, but things have been really weird lately. i didn't forget about the blog i promise, but every time i thought to update it i just didn't really feel like it. i thought today i should do it though. the tone of my writing might change a bit, so i'm sorry about that, but i thought getting my thoughts out in writing would probably help me, so i guess that's why i'm here.

Zara went missing on the 27th. i don't even really know what to say after that. she's just like… gone i guess. well not gone. she has to be out there, i'm sure. i keep telling Cathy if we say that she's gone then she might really be gone. if we don't though, then maybe she will still be out there. she has to still be out there, she's so smart i don't think she couldn't be. i feel like i'm losing my mind though. maybe there's not 'right' way to respond to something like this, or maybe i'm in the wrong, but i feel like everyone else around me is… not reacting right?? IDK how to phrase it. no one seems to get it????? i don't see anyone anymore????????? i've mostly been talking with Cathy, but even she isn't around as much anymore. i think i'm freaking her out a little, and she's been mostly relying on her family and stuff for support. i think her parents paid for a professional for her too, but i haven't asked her about it. i'm really happy for her about it, but it makes me feel a little weirder like maybe she's coping with the whole thing like… too normally? is that kind of fucked up to say?? IDK, i figure it's not worth dwelling on at the moment i've kind of got bigger issues.

other than Cathy, everyone else has been so so weird. Rivka has just. disappeared. i don't mean missing like Zara, i mean that she's just gone like all of the time. i'm worried about her, i never ever see her and i haven't heard from her at all. she doesn't go to school anymore, and i'm convinced she's just hiding in her room. i can't blame her, but i kind of wish i could join her. i think it'd be nice to have some company, for both of us probably. but i won't intrude on her space like that, IDK what was going on between her and Zara but i know they were really close. i think Rivka might think she's dead, otherwise she'd be looking for her i'm sure, like i am.

and then aside from Cathy and Rivka, every one else has been weird about the whole thing. maybe i'm losing my mind, but it feels like NO ONE IS DOING ANYTHING. i feel like i'm going crazy, but the town just doesn't seem to care??????? i mean, in theory i GUESS, but it feels like no one is taking it that seriously? EVEN RAINER. he said that the police are doing what they can, but it's not enough. it's certainly not enough for Zara. Rainer told me yesterday that i need to calm down. it was more delicate than that but i can't remember his exact words. he pretty much just said that i'm stressing myself out, and that they're working on it. it doesn't feel like they're working on it, but maybe i'm being entitled. Rainer is certainly around less than he usually is anyway, so i guess he is busier at least. it means i'm home alone a lot though. i swear i've worn a path in the carpet of my room just from pacing. i can see it when i lie in bed, WHICH I DON'T DO MUCH BTW, because someone has to be working on finding Zara. imagine if she came back and found out no one was really looking for her? that's what it feels like, and i'm detirmined that at least someone is looking for her. if she came back, i'd like her to know that she is cared about enough to be searched for. i just looked back at the post length and boy i have rambling. but i don't really have another outlet. i've been talking to my rats a lot, but honestly they might even be sick of me now too. anyway, i'll be back with more thoughts later, this was kind of theraputic. plus having it all in one place seems like a good idea.

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